FRIDAY? (ALMOST)

to blog or to sleep... that is the question. tonight, i'm going to sleep (it is almost tomorrow, afterall) but i promise i have a new post coming tomorrow :)

GREEN WITH ENVY.

Lately, I have been wrestling with the idea of jealousy. I have this friend who I absolutely adore to pieces, but it sort of seems like she has it all. She's got a great boyfriend, a solid group of friends, gorgeous looks, and a personality to match. She embodies everything I wish I could be and I can't help being resentful. I've found that I often compare myself to her, especially regarding things that don't even matter.

I think the problem stems from an "identity crisis" and a general lack of self confidence. In a world of ranks and places, it is easy to find yourself inferior. I'm constantly thinking about who is smarter, prettier, faster, and better than me. I try to combat those self-destructive thoughts with "well I'm better at ___," but narcissisim is not the answer.

Not that I am pretending to know the answer. The truth is, I don't. I am envious of people's looks, clothing, talents, personality, social status-- you name it. I guess I don't really know where I'm going with this; I'm still working it out. It's just been on my mind and I thought I would write about it and hopefully have some epiphany.

I didn't.

PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE.

I've talked about the minor identity crisis I'm having. After talking to some of my friends, I realized that I am not alone. Every one is trying to figure out who they are and what they want to be. I think the idea of self-discovery stems from the intense pressure to KNOW all of these things in regards to choosing a college. People are constantly asking where you want to go, what you want to study, and what you want to do with your life. And the truth is, it's okay to not know. It's okay to not know your major or career path yet. It's okay to not do things the "normal way." Heck, my creative writing teacher didn't even graduate from high school! That being said... I've been thinking about what I want to do.

I know I want to do something with writing. I just love the English language. I am fascinated by words, and grammar is kind of my thing. Lately, I've also been totally addicted to the Internet. Playing with the settings and layout on my blog is a creative outlet for me. I've been thinking about website design, but that doesn't really involve writing. Journalism is also a possibility I've been looking into. And, I always go back to being an English teacher.

The good news is, I have the world in front of me. The future is my canvas, and I have the rest of my life to finish painting.

TEENAGE REBELLION.

My first kiss went a little like this-- or not...

You know that Ke$ha and 3Oh!3 song called My First Kiss? Well it was stuck in my head today and it got me thinking, I'm 16 years old and I've never had my first kiss. I know, I am a big lame-o. It's not that I'm this big prude who is against kissing until marriage or anything, it just hasn't happened yet. But that's beside the point. Listening to that song made me realize that I am NOT a rebellious teenager. I'm not going around school making out with boys under the bleachers. I'm not a partier and I don't drink. Those two I am kind of okay with, partying isn't really my scene. But I also don't watch R-rated movies without my parents permission. I've never missed curfew, and I don't really stay out that late anyway. I've never snuck out or TPed someones house. Basically, I don't get in trouble.


Lately, I've felt like too much of a goodie two shoes. It's not that I want to do anything stupid or crazy, but I just want to live a little, you know? There are plenty of virtually harmless ways to live on the edge. I don't know, maybe I'll go fork someones yard or something.

SEARCHING.

Band auditions are on Friday, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not participating. It's weird, I've been playing flute for 6 years now and I've never totally been a huge fan of the instrument itself but I've never thought about quitting. Yet, here I am, ready to be done. Being in band, it seems, has always been a big part of who I am. And, as much as I do love music, I don't think that a "band kid" is who I want to be anymore. I don't practice, I'm not motivated, and frankly, I don't want to sit in class.

Coming up on my senior year, I am realizing that I should be involved with things that I love and want to be a part of. Along with band, I have also decided to stop taking dance lessons. This will be my 10th year at the same studio and I think it's time for me to say goodbye. For the last couple of years, I have dreaded dance class, not looked forward to it. I've stayed involved because, selfishly, I want the 10 year trophy, but after this year, I am done. That being said, I am adding a few new things to my list. Obviously, I will still be running like a maniac, but I also hope to add piano lessons to get my music in. And, hopefully a show this summer. :)

Making all these changes and decisions about what I want to do has really made me think about who I am. I'm not trying to be all melodramatic here, but I don't know who I am. I'm not the all-star cross country runner, I'm not the hard-core church kid, I'm not the band geek and I'm not the theater kid. I do love to listen to music, but I'm not as well-versed as some of my peers. I like to write, but I'm not one of those dark, poetry-writer types either. And, I get good grades, but I'm not a genius like some of the people at my school. I'm not saying I want to have labels or anything, because people are much more complex than that, but I do also want to feel like I shine in something. I don't have a great passion for anything, and I don't feel like I have any extraordinary talents.

I do however, know what my values are, and try to stay true to them. I think it's okay that I don't completely know who I am or what I want to be yet. I mean, I am only sixteen.